I can't properly describe in words how much solace our West Highland Terrier, Hamish has given both myself and DH over the past 4 years since we got him. He is full of cheek, charm and a zest for life that is infectious. We lavish attention on him and he pays us back tenfold. I love the way he waggles his bum and tail when he is happy (he has a backside like a wombat!) and the simple pleasure he gets from a walk or a nice bone. It was particularly lovely having him from a tiny puppy, holding him to our chest in warm blankets, training him and watching him grow. His first bark, his first doggy howls, first trick...
Miscarriage and childlessness pulls you down into a dark pit. Melancholia requires constantly fighting off but having Hamish around is like medicine. He stares intensely with his beautiful brown eyes and has often licked salty tears from my face on particularly hard days. He gets us out walking - which in itself lifts heaviness, eases grief and reduces stress. He plays with my neighbours children' and those in the local park, so when I interact with parents of small children, I feel in a little way like I belong too, not so much the childless loser desperate outsider. I have my Hamish to talk about and look out for in the mix of moving small people, I am known as 'Hamish's Mummy' by a small girl on my street. I often think neighbours or observers must think I am completely bonkers about Hamish and probably think our joint affection for him is unhealthy (perhaps it is.....but how can love of a lovely little deserving dog be a bad thing?). I used to kiss him so much when he was a puppy (I love his smell!) that he used to growl after a certain point in time, like, 'enough is enough Mummy!'. He was very patient though.
He has been taken to France and England with us on driving holidays, been sailing on the Shannon in Ireland (in his doggy life jacket of course), snuck into holiday cottages, has his own blankets, sofa, sweaters, seat belt, regular appointments at Dapper Dogs (dog groomer) and he sleeps in our bed every night. DH is devoted to him and Hamish is to him. He is variously referred to as 'puppy', 'H Man', 'fatty', 'baby boy', 'the little fella' and 'Mr H'. We fuss over him constantly and declare to each other, 'isn't he gorgeous?'. When I ring DH from work, as he is first home, I always ask after Hamish straight away. If we are ever out at a bar or party we ask one another how the other thinks Hamish is doing and worry about him being home alone. We monitor his poos (DH will be embarrassed by this admission!) and comment to one another on the quality (I often get blamed for giving him 'junk'). Indeed, our affection for Hamish is so intense I sometimes worry if a negative inference about our relationship with each other can be drawn (I have concluded not). I think we are a couple that love each other very much and desperately want to become parents and share the experience of parenting together. I imagine how we feel about Hamish is what it must be like to be parents together.....sharing an intense love of a dependant little thing that belongs to just the two of you, a family unit spinning around in our own little universe. No matter what happens, whether we ever get to be parents to a human baby or not, Hamish will always be our special first living baby.
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