Many infertile women don't like to hear cliches or platitudes, especially not from people who may not yet have experienced a major life crisis, but I can promise other women out there, there are some small (or maybe not so small) dividends that I have received over the past 7 years...small gifts from the universe or God or fate....
I have often thought that the trajectory of life, the way the future unfolds for those couples who have no problems either conceiving or giving birth, allows them to progress quickly and easily from one milestone to the next. Courtship, engagement, marriage, children... Life happens, it is so full and busy and often conscious choices are not required to be made; the really big questions don't necessarily crop up. Couples just happen to fall pregnant. The biggest decision might be how many children do we have/when do we decide our family is complete? The most significant issues are usually money, work and juggling those with relationships, school-runs and childcare. I am not judging my many friends and family who are married with children. What I am saying is that the big question, "what the hell are we going to do with the rest of our lives" perhaps does not open up like a massive fissure before them, like it did for us.
For me, the dilemma is what to do with you life, during the spare hours when you are not at work, when you don't have children, but pretty much all of your family and friends do and when you have lived hard through your 20s and have no more interest in going to nightclubs, live music gigs or bars every weekend? It made me confront what I want from life, who I am as a person and what interests me. DH and I both asked ourselves, 'well, what are we passionate about?' Often when you go to BBQs or parties these days, couples stand around and talk about schools, kids sports clubs or family-friendly destinations for holidays. I wonder what would these people talk about if they had no children? It would be a little like banning a workaholic from talking about their job. Topics of conversation would quickly dry up. What would these people have done with 6+ years of having no children to talk about? Answer: they would have had to get busy getting to know themselves and each other, which is not necessarily a bad thing in itself. But I disgress....back to us....what do we do with our future? Do I throw myself into corporate law and turn 'making partner' into my 'be all and end all' (not likely....). Do we comfort ourselves with being DINKS (= 'double income no kids') who might one day be able to holiday in places featured on the glossy pages of Conde Nast Traveller magazine? We asked ourselves all these questions and the same conclusion was arrived at over and over again; a future without ever having children or being parents seemed so empty.
DH and I decided a few years back that whilst we were waiting and waiting to become parents that we should really try and make the most out of the time we had to ourselves (after hearing from so many other couples with children how lucky we are). DH started guitars lessons, after a lifetime of wanting to play guitar and I recommenced piano lessons, which I had done as a kid. So we now sometimes spend Sunday afternoons listening to jazz, then each practising for our weekly lessons for an hour or so. We got a dog (see post on "My Canine Baby" http://lastoneofmykind.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-canine-baby.html) and started going for nice long walks along Dublin Bay and in the Wicklow Mountains on the weekend. And I wrote out a list of the the things I had always wanted to do with my life (Americans call this a 'bucket list'??!) and have tried to set about doing them.
DH and I decided a few years back that whilst we were waiting and waiting to become parents that we should really try and make the most out of the time we had to ourselves (after hearing from so many other couples with children how lucky we are). DH started guitars lessons, after a lifetime of wanting to play guitar and I recommenced piano lessons, which I had done as a kid. So we now sometimes spend Sunday afternoons listening to jazz, then each practising for our weekly lessons for an hour or so. We got a dog (see post on "My Canine Baby" http://lastoneofmykind.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-canine-baby.html) and started going for nice long walks along Dublin Bay and in the Wicklow Mountains on the weekend. And I wrote out a list of the the things I had always wanted to do with my life (Americans call this a 'bucket list'??!) and have tried to set about doing them.
In the last few years I have finally learnt how to ride a horse and went on a trip I had always fantasised about, as a novice horse rider, by myself to the Victorian High Country in Australia. I researched my family tree, uncovered a major skeleton in the closest, spent hours reading archives and wrote a non-fiction manuscript about my great great grandmother (which I am trying to still get published), I bought a lot of cook books and learnt some great recipes. DH and I have had trips to Rome, Paris and New York together (as a child growing up in Brisbane I always thought my life would be complete if I could visit London, New York, Paris and Rome as an adult - as an adult, I think my life will be complete when I am a mother!). I have spent hours and hours reading fantastic books (which mothers of young children rarely get to do); I love to read. I bought a sewing machine and got back into the patchwork quilting my grandmother taught me as a girl. DH gave me digital SLR camera as a present and I have undertaken various photography projects. I joined a choir a few years ago and got to sing in wonderful concerts, like Verdi's Requiem and Handel's Messiah. DH plays tag rugby, indoor soccer and has done volunteer building work in Haiti and I have volunteered at a local free legal advice clinic. This is the gift of spare time. In between feeling sorry for myself, I (we) have tried very hard to use our time well. I like to think that one day when our child/baby arrives, that we won't begrudge him or her anything. Because we surely will have had plenty of years to indulge our interests.
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| Horse riding in Victorian High Country |
There is a gift in being able to see that despite miscarriages and failed IVFs that you have each other. That the two of you are a couple and that the journey makes you stronger and more resilient. It is reassuring to know that the early years of your marriage have been forged in the flames of adversity and that you have survived the worst part (hopefully) and love each other more than you possibly could have at the beginning.
Infertility has given me the gift of richly rewarding and deep friendships with other infertile women, who wage their own lonely battles with IVF and miscarriage. I don't think a woman truly knows the meaning of sisterhood until she has bonded with another childless infertile women; I have many 'cycle sistas'. Motherhood seems like membership of such an exclusive club; infertile friends hang out together like the bullied nerds in the school yard. We understand and support each other and it is life affirming. And I have had some lovely heart-warming messages of support, cards and hugs from my non-infertile friends and family too.
Infertility and childlessness also teaches you empathy with others that that are going through similar trials and tribulations. I speak to a friend with a disabled child or a neighbour whose parent has dementia and understand their experience of constant anxiety and grief. DH and I have the gift of knowing that life is not about getting all that you want; it is not about having it all. Life is about loving each other, learning lessons and surviving; and it is still good. The English crime novelist, Agatha Christie, once wrote:
I like living.
I have sometimes been
wildly, despairingly,
acutely miserable,
racked with sorrow,
but through it all I still know
quite certainly that just to be alive
is a grand thing.
Infertility has given me the gift of richly rewarding and deep friendships with other infertile women, who wage their own lonely battles with IVF and miscarriage. I don't think a woman truly knows the meaning of sisterhood until she has bonded with another childless infertile women; I have many 'cycle sistas'. Motherhood seems like membership of such an exclusive club; infertile friends hang out together like the bullied nerds in the school yard. We understand and support each other and it is life affirming. And I have had some lovely heart-warming messages of support, cards and hugs from my non-infertile friends and family too.
Infertility and childlessness also teaches you empathy with others that that are going through similar trials and tribulations. I speak to a friend with a disabled child or a neighbour whose parent has dementia and understand their experience of constant anxiety and grief. DH and I have the gift of knowing that life is not about getting all that you want; it is not about having it all. Life is about loving each other, learning lessons and surviving; and it is still good. The English crime novelist, Agatha Christie, once wrote:
I like living.
I have sometimes been
wildly, despairingly,
acutely miserable,
racked with sorrow,
but through it all I still know
quite certainly that just to be alive
is a grand thing.
I really like this blog called "The V-List, Adventures for the Reproductively Challenged": http://thevlist.wordpress.com/ It celebrates living in the 'now'; optimising the time before a baby arrives, when you are still desperately trying to become a mother but embracing the journey. The creators of the blog say, "Since struggle with fertility can quickly suck the joy right out of life, we wanted to inject some back in". It is inspiring and I agree wholeheartedly with the approach of using every moment right now and seizing the day. It is either that or being sucked into the big black vortex of despair. A co-creator of The V-List blog says:
"For me it was the desire to live your life. The actual one I have instead of the one I wished I had or thought I should have, as in, I'm not pregnant, okay let's get on a rollercoaster today or jump out of an airplane or just do something silly and fun that makes me feel like a teenager. I did not want to look back on the time I was trying to build a family as an entirely dark time, but instead look back and say I'm so glad I did all those things! The V-List helps me remember to live my life now, instead of always living moments that might be months or years down the road".
I think that what the V-List Blog is all about is "mindfulness". Alice Domar, author of a wonderful book called "Conquering Infertility" explains mindfulness as follows:
"Being mindful means appreciating the here and the now - the soft breeze on your face, the smell of the stew cooking in the kitchen....Mindfulness is important for infertile women for several reasons. Because of the cyclical nature of nature of reproduction, you are constantly thinking of the past and the future - the period you had last month, the period you're hoping not to get this month, the medical procedure scheduled for next week. What's more, infertility is so stressful that it can overshadow everything else in your life - even the good things. Mindfulness can help you remember that even though you've got a terrible, horrible stressor in your life, it is not the only thing..."
I am in perfect physical health (apart from premature ovarian failure), have a wonderful, gorgeous, loving supportive husband, a lovely dog, a comfortable home, a decent job, I was privileged enough to grow up in Australia where I had the opportunity to get a good education, had an amazing mother and still have a father and two sisters who love me. Right at this moment, living in the now, I am happy. A baby really would just be the cherry on top.
"For me it was the desire to live your life. The actual one I have instead of the one I wished I had or thought I should have, as in, I'm not pregnant, okay let's get on a rollercoaster today or jump out of an airplane or just do something silly and fun that makes me feel like a teenager. I did not want to look back on the time I was trying to build a family as an entirely dark time, but instead look back and say I'm so glad I did all those things! The V-List helps me remember to live my life now, instead of always living moments that might be months or years down the road".
I think that what the V-List Blog is all about is "mindfulness". Alice Domar, author of a wonderful book called "Conquering Infertility" explains mindfulness as follows:
"Being mindful means appreciating the here and the now - the soft breeze on your face, the smell of the stew cooking in the kitchen....Mindfulness is important for infertile women for several reasons. Because of the cyclical nature of nature of reproduction, you are constantly thinking of the past and the future - the period you had last month, the period you're hoping not to get this month, the medical procedure scheduled for next week. What's more, infertility is so stressful that it can overshadow everything else in your life - even the good things. Mindfulness can help you remember that even though you've got a terrible, horrible stressor in your life, it is not the only thing..."
I am in perfect physical health (apart from premature ovarian failure), have a wonderful, gorgeous, loving supportive husband, a lovely dog, a comfortable home, a decent job, I was privileged enough to grow up in Australia where I had the opportunity to get a good education, had an amazing mother and still have a father and two sisters who love me. Right at this moment, living in the now, I am happy. A baby really would just be the cherry on top.
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